'Til You Make It

(Image source)

Let’s flip the script for a minute, shall we? One instance in which you should never, ever, under ANY circumstances fake it is… An orgasm. Ha! Kidding (well, not really, but I can address that later if you’d like). No, real talk though: You can’t fake your intuition. You know, your red-flag-radar, your bullshit-ometer, your He’s-The-One-I-Just-Know-It indicator. That saintly sister inside tells you like it is, like it should be and sometimes (most often?) what you don’t want to hear. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to stay true to what she (and thus YOU) know is the truth. If you ignore it, well… Hell hath no fury like an intuition scorned. Fake the feeling and you’ll be stepping off into seven different directions of wrong, which is really just a waste of time. And I don’t know about you, but I’M not getting any younger.

Below is a totally-not-embarrassing-at-all list of times I’ve ignored my inkling and gotten involved against my better judgment. Let’s see how it all turned out for me (spoiler alert: I’m still single). I’m going to shut my eyes now and cringe while you all delve into my private life. See ya at the bottom!

1. Spotted: Supremely tall, exponentially hot athletic build stalking the VIP section of the clerb on a bumping Saturday night. Me, to myself (or very possibly in a loud shout due to the bass blaring beats and champagne a-flowing): “Dayum, that boy is FOINE!” (Because what do we have if we can’t pretend we’re in an ‘80s sitcom once in a while?) But he was in a line of work that would never (ever, evah) be conducive to a real, adult, settled, committed relationship. Next thought, as I climbed up those VIP stairs after him: Well, EFF. I don’t need to tell you that it ended two weeks later with long-lasting residual emotional effects (because your intuition already let you in on the secret. Boom.).

2. Not quite as tall, still-stacked, athletic-seeming stature (apparently, I have a type). Found out a week after meeting that our belief systems were way off kilter. Shoulda had some delightfully sinful sex and said GOOD DAY, SIR, right then and there. Instead dragged out a “friendship” (pssssh, who are YOU kidding?) and allowed myself to be jerked around (under the guise of “figuring things out,” of course) for the next 10 months of my short, sweet life. (Disclaimer: If you saw the ass on this guy, you would’ve done the saaaaame thing.)

3. Skater boy bartender (now, if you knew me, you’d know we could end this story right there. For my friends-to-be, I’ll continue) and I weren’t on the same life timeline. Knew it couldn’t amount to much more than just fun/comic relief in my otherwise trying time (timing is everything). Ignored the timing and did my time in that relationship for more than twice what it shoulda cost me. The on-again, off-again shenanigans got to the point that I had to stop talking about it to my friends, and they stopped asking.

4. Dude ordered a pinot grigio. Shoulda passed him off to my gay bff and peaced.

Well, that was embarrassing. But I hope my willing ignorance has made a point. The point is, I knew the outcome of every one of those situations the moment I met/spoke to/saw each guy but chose to ignore what my gut was telling me (“Girl, you ain’t got to go home, but you got to get the HELL OUTTA HERE.” (My intuition is sassy.)). We all do this, for one reason or another. Maybe you think you’ll learn better, more positive qualities about him in the future. Maybe you don’t believe your suspicions because he just couldn’t be THAT ridiculous (ohhhh, but he can, my dear, he can). Maybe you just don’t want to be alone.

Whatever your reason, I promise it’s not worth it. Not only will you most likely end up hurt, but you’ll put time into something that’s keeping you from who or what you really should be doing with your life (meeting the love of your life, being a good friend, building your empire, solving the healthcare crisis, etc.). It’s an opportunity cost you can’t afford. 

And just FYI, your sixth sense is always working overtime. She doesn’t quit after you ignore her the first time, that persistent perception of yours. It’s entirely possible that nothing was triggered upon meeting your future lovah, but seven months later, he’s started to show his spots (I call it the 7^th Inning Stretch – stay tuned for a dedicated post). Your ingenious insight will tap you on the shoulder to say, “Hey, you guys are a great couple, but you might want to deal with this now, so it doesn’t become a larger issue later. #jussayin.” (Yes, intuitions are hip to the Twitter lingo. And?)

You come with a built-in fight-or-flight response mechanism, and it is a glorious tool, especially in the wacky world of dating. Like any other muscle, it needs to be trained and stretched (I know you’re working on your Kegels right now, so it’s clear you have the time). Now, there’s something to be learned from every individual that comes into your life, but listening to your gifted guide gets you through Love Him or Leave Him 101 a lot quicker (and with glowing grades!) than pooh-poohing your inner prophet and prolonging the inevitable. Girl, I’m just looking out.

(Excuse the frill-less title. What I’m about to discuss is serious business.)

In honor of my new-found Prada purchase (flouncy, ankle-length, pleated-front jean trousers), I’m writing this post. The act of finding Prada in itself is not blog-post-worthy (well, not on this blog anyway. That seems much more appropriate for the “I’ve already made it and therefore I don’t have to fake it” set.). I’m writing this post because I found them at TJ Maxx (YES. AHEM.) for—wait for it…—FIFTY. NINE. DOLLARS. (I’m gonna let that one sink in.)

Photo: Super score — Prada pleated-front ankle jean trousers.

Recovered? Excellent. Now keep on a-scrolling, because I’ve finally decided (read: got it together and wrote this) to share some of my techniques on how I always manage to walk out of a discount store with seriously fashionable finds. It’s not about putting your designer blinders on necessarily; it’s about knowing the ins and outs of these stores, how to shop and what you’re looking for.

1) Manage your expectations and get your head in the game. Discount shopping, like life, is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to have stamina and you can’t be afraid to get scrappy. And by scrappy I mean finger through endless racks of clothing in search for the elusive (but real) perfect deal. The deal that will have your friends perplexed as to how you’re always able to land the discount-store jackpot (that Elizabeth & James impeccably tailored blazer, nude patent leather Christian Louboutin peep-toe cork pumps, black buttery leather Badgley Mischka quilted chain-link bag—true story, these are all items I’ve found at a TJ Maxx). Keep in mind, not every trip will be a Prada-discovering, watershed adventure, but if you get smart, you can get on the fast track to stunning with designer brands and just downright good-looking clothes.

2) The stork usually drops its cargo mid-week, which means all the good stuff hits the shelves around 10am on Wednesday (+/- a day—ask a store associate when they put out the new goodies). If you’re not one of the lucky few who work from home (I swear, I’m not trying to rub it in), forgo that Zumba class/happy hour drink/ABC primetime lineup and saunter in after work for an evening of bargain hunting. You’ll still be there in time before it’s all picked over.  

3) Zero in on the stores that carry the big-ticket items. These are usually in larger markets (not in a large market, but close and need a fashion fix? Road trip! I don’t have an H&M near me and you better believe I’d drive the 4 hours it takes to get to one when necessary). Also, each specific chain has certain stores that are tapped to carry big brands and high-end inventory (Loehmann’s has it’s Back Room, TJ Maxx has Runway stores, Marshall’s has Shoe Mega Shops, etc.).

4) If you’re going to splurge and spend the green, invest in shoulder swag. Nothing blows your cover like a less-than-quality purse. Rule of thumb: if it looks cheap, that’s because it is and it will wear that way. Can’t have you go through all this work to look as if you’ve been professionally styled just to have it fall apart with one glance at your clearly not-leather tote with flaking metal hardware. Shame.

5) The taller the (stacked/stiletto/chunky) heel, the better. Ever seen Miu Miu send a shoe down the runway that didn’t speak volumes to you? No. No, you most certainly have not. That’s because designer shoes make statements. Whether it’s a classy take, or more of a “Hey, look at me! Hello?! I’m over here being fabulous and I’d like for you to stand up and take notice” sort of approach, designer footwear are fancy. While you might not be able to afford all the bells and whistles of a Charlotte Olympia, the architectural details in some Alexander McQueens, or that simple Jimmy Choo sleekness, what you can shoot for is a higher-than-high complemented by one or two interesting details. Designer heels are recognized by their teeter-tottering stilt effect. Christian Louboutin and YSL are known for stacking ‘em up 5 inches and beyond. Take note and aim high with a well balanced spike. They’ll convey a “You’re welcome.” sentiment for a fraction of the cost. (Please note: this is NOT an excuse to get stripper-happy. There is an integrity-sized difference in a stiletto that could pick up singles like a litter collector and a stylish shoe with a heavenly heel. That should go without saying.)

Photo: Non-pole-working chunky snakeskin lace-up heels by MIA

Well, that should be enough to get you started. Happy discount shopping! And please, I’d love to hear all about your experiences—the success, frustrations, goose eggs and Prada-like WINS—so that I can custom-blog more tips for you. Until then, fake on, fashionistas.

Photo: Rory Beca leopard-print, cinched-waist chiffon dress with front slit (big ups to my camera for doing it’s own Instagram-esque treatment)

OR (alternate title): How to get through a break up you thought you didn’t care about but you do.

Oh. Hey there, relationship failure. So nice to see you again. It’s been a while. Oh, it hasn’t, you say? We were here this time last year? Hmm. Well, time certainly does fly when you’re desperately trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, doesn’t it?

At any rate, glad to be back (we think). Being here means progress has been made. And your click-thru plus what Google Analytics tells me is a seven-minute pageview indicates that you’re making progress too. No longer are you subjecting yourself to a toxic-on-some-level situation. It’s not you, it’s him. Or it doesn’t even have to be him, per se, but it’s just not “US” anymore because “WE” weren’t working. No shame in that—you’ve made a sound decision with which you’re happy and to which you’re abiding.  

That is until a built-for-two Sunday night beckons with a curl-up-worthy episode of Mad Men coupled with a bottle of red wine and a board of stinky cheese. Here is the moment when together, you cheered to Madison Avenue’s finest and, during commercial breaks, discussed how well the manchego paired with pears. Le sigh.

Buck up, kiddo, and stick to your guns. Here’s how to see it through to Monday morning (and beyond) without so much as a thought wasted in his direction.

1. First things first, pat yourself on the back for having the balls to remove yourself from a situation that you finally admitted is going nowhere. Not an easy feat. Some animals may have been harmed in the making of that drama, but let’s keep our eyes on the prize and think long-term. Bottom line, those brightly hued red flags (more of a blood red than a bittersweet, wouldn’t you say?) that have so diligently been raised for the past several months (or years for those of you that have better (worse?) staying power/have mastered the art of sweeping things under the rug) aren’t going anywhere any time soon. If you’re here, you listened to your gut. That should be commended.
2. Immediately AFTER finishing this post, ahem, hightail it on over to Marc and Angel Hack Life and read through all 12 Truths to Tell Yourself After a Mistake or Failure. Every single one is extremely applicable to your current state, I promise. Gobble it up. Take notes. Spread the word.
3. Feeling better already, aren’t you? Now the fun stuff begins. Reconnect with all those friends you swore you’d meet for coffee, dinner, happy hour but never did. Remember what it feels like to feel empowered, loved, laughed with, respected, listened to, and revered by (gasp!) more than one person. I’m not saying he didn’t make you feel this way, but if you’re here, I’m guessing the person in question also made you feel drained, discouraged, unproductive, unloved, misguided, duped, and the like at some point. PPS – If any of your “friends” make you feel that way, a break-up there may be in order as well (look at that, today’s life lessons are 2-for-1).
4. Make a list of all the things you wish you had had more time for when you were spending all those hours hanging out with your ex-significant other. Options may include gym-ing it up, reading a book, going to see all those movies he never wanted to, taking up chess, calling your mother, attending networking events, selling items on Etsy, focusing on your career, writing thank you cards (trust me, your friends deserve it after listening to your relationship woes), yoga, volunteering for a charity, enjoying the great outdoors, trying that new independent coffee shop that just opened, etc.
5. Do those things.
6. Go feel beautiful. Whether it’s working out, buying a new pair of shoes (within budget of course—nothing’s more depressing than buyer’s remorse), gettin’ your hair did, tanning on a nude beach (South Florida style, duh), do what it takes for you to remind yourself that you are, in fact, breathtaking.
7. If I were younger, I’d tell you to get out there and find another date because nothing makes you forget like a new prospect. But experience has taught me that if you do, you will only end up rereading this post in a year (see intro). Besides, you have better things to do, like, oh I dunno, focus on you for a hot minute. Hidden (or painfully apparent) in failed relationships are life lessons to be learned. Ignore them and you risk missing big clues that could help you become a better, more whole you, and instead, end up repeating the same patterns/mistakes in the next relationship.
8. Do, however, go out and enjoy life with good people. In the event that drinks are involved (and they will be), call a super friend and inform them that they may or may not be receiving a string of drunk texts from you this evening. Drunk texts to friends? Fine. Drunk texts to exes? Deplorable. Your brain doesn’t know the difference.
9. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND RIGHT IN THIS WORLD, do not stalk his social media feeds. Just don’t. Even if you think you’re not THAT GIRL, you might inadvertently see his newest status pop up on your feed. Then, and here’s where the real danger lies, you might proceed to click on said status update (becoming THAT GIRL) and mosey onto his page where you will have full rein of the going-ons in his life since that fateful day when you broke up. [Finds rabbit hole, proceeds to fall in.] Hide his feed, please. And if you can’t control yourself, defriend. (I know, I know, I would never suggest such a blatant act of caring, but if you can’t lock it up on your own, this is a must.) Otherwise, you just might…
10. In a moment of weakness, make a call you shouldn’t and wake up the next morning in his sheets. (HA. HA. KIDDING. Absolutely do NOT do that. Do the EXACT opposite of that. Doing that will only set you back years. Years that the lengthening crow’s feet on your face are telling you you don’t have. And not because you’re losing your “youth,” but because you’re just too damn old—some use the word “wise” here—to be making these same mistakes. Muster up all the strength and courage you can, channel Lethal Weapon’s Danny Glover and move on because, dollface, you’re “too old for this sh*t.”)

Phew, that was a lot. Look, we all get caught in a glass case of emotion from time to time, and feelings that sneak up on you are the pits. But there is a way out and it’s guided by that lovely little voice you’ve come to know as your intuition. Listen closely and fake the ache until you’re good ‘n healed.

whatshouldwecallme:

Oh, humidity. You make everything stick to my face—my hair (which is now curly despite the painstaking 2 hours I spent flat-ironing it), the sweat emitting from my pores (we are WAY past the point of “glowing”), dainty mosquitoes hovering about. Everything, that is, except my makeup.

In my feeble attempts to appear as if I have it together in weather that should only be reserved for prehistoric organisms and prisoners sentenced to solitary confinement, I turn to primer.

In something larger than a nutshell, primer can obscure a multitude of flaws, making flaky skin moisturized, rough textures smooth, and porous skin sealed. Cover-up doesn’t settle into lines, blush remains vividly contouring, and eyelids aren’t greasy come lunchtime. A good primer will last you through coffee, a day of meetings, happy hour, and the first go at something you might regret in the morning (whether you let him stay for a second is up to you—primers aren’t permanent, after all). Primer is also very handy if, like me, you’ve been blessed with overactive sweat glands and you’ve, in a stroke of genius, decided to reside in a city whose climate rivals that of Dante’s Inferno.

Alright, enough of that. You get the point. On with the review. I’ve been loyal to one Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer because it truly does the trick. I just stick to the good ole regular version, but Smashbox, dears that they are, make this product in a fafillion formulas for every skin need—Light (oil-free), Luminizing, Hydrating, SPF 15 with Dermaxyl (anti-aging), Bronzing, and three Color-Correcting shades to Balance, Blend, and Adjust. I mean, seriously. So, you may be asking, “If you’ve found something that works and that you like, why change to a new product, silly goose?” Because I have a serious case of the grass-is-always-greener syndrome and it is a bitch.

You can imagine the light-bulb moment I had when I found a sample of L’Oreal Studio Secrets Professional No. 1 Magic Perfecting Base smushed between the pages of the latest Allure magazine and, shortly thereafter, acquired a deluxe sample size of Nars Pro-Prime Pore Refining Primer Oil-Free, awarded to me as a bonus after hemorrhaging cheerfully handing over a sufficient amount of cash-money at Sephora. Experiment time!

I was heading out to a dinner and drinks situation and thought to myself, Now would be the perfect opportunity to get my Beauty Juke testing on. (I know, I have lame conversations with myself. I’m fully aware.) First up, L’Oreal Magic Perfecting Base. Did my normal routine (cleansed face with Yes to Blueberries Facial Cleansing Towelettes—review here—primer, makeup), walked out the door into the sticky night air, and had myself a wonderful time. Four hours and a couple smooches later, I came home to a very visible acne mark on the bridge of my nose that not only would have been extremely invisible had I prepped with Smashbox, but over which I had shellacked layers of my favorite concealer (Smashbox Camera Ready Full Coverage, in case you missed the Beauty Juke post on that one). Tré disappointing.

My testing strategy with the Nars wasn’t as precision-based, since I had more of it to use over a longer period of time. With prolonged use, I consistently noticed that after every application, it didn’t smooth out the skin and the layers of concealer, shadow and bronzer to follow appeared somewhat grainy, almost as if I wasn’t wearing a primer at all. I have a feeling (and they’re generally spot on) that this would be a faboosh product to use in drier climates. Are you in a drier climate? Do you use the Nars Pro-Prime Pore Refining Primer Oil Free? Does it perform miracles for you? Feel free to shoot me a comment and validate my hunch.

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to advocate a switcheroo for the cheaper drugstore brand (we all know how I love a deal), in my humble opinion, I’d still shell out the $$$ for the premier Smashbox primer. Just can’t fake the flawless-face fixtures, I guess. And who knows, you might get lucky with a beauty-club bonus from Sephora.

P.S. I’m sure there is a lesson in here for me about the grass NOT always being greener on the other side, but I am also quite sure that I am blissfully ignoring it. 

Something interesting happened today. In my unassuming errand run to Target (a big deal in and of itself since I actually have to get in my car, burn gas, and leave the island on which I live to reach this low-price Mecca), not only did I replenish my much-needed facial wipes (my inventory had been exhausted), but I stumbled upon a new Beauty Juke-worthy beauty gem.

Funny story. I was recently and pleasantly surprised to discover (via Twitter, natch) that fellow beauty blogger Felicia Walker Benson of @ThisThatBeauty, ThisThatBeauty.com and infinitely larger fame than me—infinitely because I have none—herself also swears by a certain #drugstoredeal. Via a tweet, I learned that she was running low on her facial wipes. My naturally nosy self @replied to one of her tweets in hopes of scoring a sweet beauty tip. By then, I was already a super-fan of my newfound Yes To Blueberries Age Refresh Brightening Facial Towelettes, but who doesn’t love a little external validation? I wanted to see what Felicia used.

Lo and behold, she confirmed my hunch: the Yes To Carrots line has some serious beauty-blogger fans. Felicia’s choice? Yes To Cucumbers Hypoallergenic Facial Towelettes. Now, I can’t speak for Felicia, but I can sure as sherbet explain why my lovely Yes to Blueberries wipes do the trick for me.

I live in a difficult climate, one that does not agree with my otherwise unfussy skin. After three years in Southern California without nary a blemish in sight, my relocation to sunny and humid South Florida proved too much for my twenty-something skin and, like many a college-aged Spring Breaker in South Beach, it got confused. It didn’t know if it was oily or dry, normal or persnickety. It couldn’t get clean enough in the heavy heat that trapped oil and dirt on its surface, and its combination identity complex started peeling when cleansed too harshly.

Enter Yes To Blueberries Age Refresh Brightening Facial Towelettes to save the day—and my skin. I swear, the basis for its success is the fact that these wipes are 99% natural—fewer chemicals mean fewer things for my increasingly skittish skin to disagree with. Each wipe is infused with heavy-duty antioxidant blueberries, apple and lemon peel to cleanse (no, really), moisturize (thankgoodness) and brighten (expect instant gratification the morning after). All for $7.99? Yes and please (plus, my inner environmentalist got all warm and fuzzy when she realized the wipes are biodegradable).

As if one skin-saving drug-store score wasn’t enough, I happened upon a nearby lip gloss of the Yes To Carrots variety. Instantly, I gravitated toward the flesh-toned-filled tube that beckoned, as most flesh tones do to me. I got it home and immediately busted open the plastic wrap, slathering my lips in Yes To Carrots C Me Shine Playfully Nude. Well, playful indeed, and at nearly half the price of my most-toted Sephora Collection Ultra Shine Lip Gloss in Shiny Perfect Nude.

People. Finding the most conspicuously inconspicuous nude for me is difficult alone (most turn up too pink for my warm undertones). And in a formula that actually IS moisturizing (sunflower oil, vitamin E, and carrot extract) that sets me back only about $7? That is not easy. Yes To Carrots, my hat is off to you and your successful Beauty Juke for this week. Keep up the good work.

The other day, my friend and I found ourselves having a casual conversation about real estate. Not a topic we’d generally be found spitballing, but thank goodness it wasn’t about boys for once, amirite??!! So proud. To get on with it, said friend was in a certain predicament because she had fallen in love with a condo (read: not a man) for sale on the bay and was in a twist. She was frustrated with trying to determine if this was a financially sound purchase for her person. Having exhausted the appropriate Google searches, she still couldn’t find enough online Magic 8 Balls (or debt calculators) to spell out that “ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES” or “SOURCES SAY NO.” None were specific to her special and uniquely her position in life: single, young female with X amount of debt and X amount in savings. And since she’s not a descendant of the Rockefeller family, she felt that a financial advisor was somewhat out of her league.

In my supportive friend way, I told her that A) there are options for people just like her in this situation (hello, we’re clearly all not the 1% - do the math) and B) she’s not the only one with this complaint. I was more than positive that many women get similarly stuck and overwhelmed because they might have to weed through a lot of research about a topic with which they aren’t too familiar and by the fifth click-through, they’re throwing in the towel because it all seems too complicated. I told her to stay tuned.

I took to the horn and called up my trusty and for-reals credentialed financial advisor friend and fellow Stanford alum, Michael Shotton (or as he prefers, Shotty the Body). Nickname notwithstanding, he really does know what the ish he’s talking about—he used to work at Merrill Lynch and now pushes around a lot of money as a wholesaler in a way I still don’t entirely understand but have come to grips with. Read on to see what he had to say about my friend’s situation…

Me: So, she’s worried she’s not worth a financial advisor (FA). Say it ain’t so!

S the B: Most FAs are geared toward the wealthy because they’re paid on a commission, so the more money they bring in, the more they get paid. That being said, there are still [financial firms] that cater to the smaller asset clientele.

Me: I never thought I’d say this, but I’m assuming our assets aren’t big enough…

S the B: In a situation with a young person who doesn’t have many assets, an accountant is your best option. Does your friend have anyone that does her taxes? If she’s going to buy a home, she is going to need someone to do her taxes anyway to take advantage of the deductions you can get from being a homeowner. First things first, she should find an accountant who would be able to do her taxes. That person will also be able to help determine whether or not she can afford to buy a home.

Me: Simple enough. What if you’re married to the idea of an FA?

S the B: A lot of times FAs will take young people as clients but usually only if they have a lot of money in their name. FAs focus on managing where to put your assets, where as an accountant is about managing your money coming in and money coming out. That said, if you’re still looking for a traditional FA, a firm like Edward Jones would be a place to start. They are usually found in smaller towns as well as big cities and tend to focus on smaller clients with a neighborly bedside manner. There are other resources as well. If you’re still a student, your university might have someone that will help you. This is also true if you’re a minority or person of color or part of a faith-based community, as there are often FAs geared toward these specific groups. Additionally, if your job offers a 401k plan (make sure you participate), depending on the company, it’s required that the 401k FA managers visit your office annually and provide education to employees on the plan. Oftentimes, when they do that, they might offer to set up one-on-one meetings with employees. Take advantage of that opportunity for free financial advice, even if you don’t plan on investing your personal funds with the FA.

Me: What about E-Trade? Those talking babies are hilarious!

S the B: Discount brokerages (E-Trade, Scott Trade) are mainly geared toward stock market investments, so they won’t be much of a help.

Me: Oh, well the babies are still pretty funny. Any recommendations for debt calculators that could help?

S the B: A simple Google search for “mortgage calculator” will yield typical calculators that address whether you can afford something. Oftentimes, however, because the calculators are not custom or tailored to your specific situation, they can be frustrating and might only be able to give you part of the picture. But at the same time they are a good place to start. Check out BankRate.com’s  New House calculator or SmartMoney.com’s ‘How much house can I afford?’ calculator.

So, accountant it is! I’ll be telling my friend promptly—that condo was pretty sick. For your peace of mind, Michael has no affiliation with Edward Jones, BankRate.com or SmartMoney.com, those are just his honest-to-goodness recommendations. Comments and questions welcome! ‘Til next time, keep faking the funk.